This is not a click-bait title, nor I am crazy (well, not that much, anyway. 😊) This just means that paths to healing can take unexpected twists and turns, constantly overthrowing our understanding of how things are.
Because shopping is bad right? Not only for us humans, but also for the planet – all the carbon footprint, climate change and clearing of forests to produce cotton. Consuming is evil and minimalism, off-grid sustainable living is what we all should do, right?
Well, apart from the fact, that all 8 billion of people simply cannot go back to small scale agriculture because there is not enough land for them, it IS a noble goal and I fully support it – I even aim at it myself (I do a video-diary of my process here on YouTube). BUT try as I might, I am still far from arriving at my destination called „sustainable life in the country“ – and, because of many obstacles in my way, I might never arrive.
I am NOT looking for excuses here, I buy local organic farm produce most of the time, I walk or use public transport whenever I can (most of the time), I separate waste so it can be reused, I support some local craftsmen by wearing and using their creations – in short, I do what I can to live sustainably – and still feel I do not do as much as I should.
Deep wounds tend to perpetuate themselves
And it is exactly this guilt that caused me to overlook that my shopping was so much more than mindless spending of my family´s money! That it has been in fact the very medicine that was needed to heal the deeply ingrained ancestral wounds concerning abundance, trust and self-worth!
My family has a deep running trauma around abundance and trust. Mine was a family of duty and obedience, love was something given only very conditionally – in exchange for subordination and compliance. They prided themselves for rising from rags to (modest) riches and expected me to follow their lead. To care meant to provide materially for me and make sure I do not stray from the “right” path: I was to graduate from high school, get to university, get married, have children, work in high-ranking position (preferably in a bank) and grow old and die. How much I hated it. Rebel by nature, wilful and independent, I fought this family authoritarian regime as much as I could. But I was too young and alone and they were many and adults and therefore stronger. They almost broke me.
Humans are social animals. We need to bond tightly with our group. The psychology of attachment informs us that insecure attachment has a long-lasting impact on us. According to Erik Eriksson and his wife, both renown psychologists, the first year after birth, we either attach safely to our caregivers and develop basic trust in the world or we don´t. In the latter case, all later development is skewed in search of coping strategies. Our brain is focused on pure survival. We learn to be wary, always keeping guard, playing roles in order to please those who – seen from our childhood perspective – can decide about our life or death.
Without expanding our consciousness through self-knowledge and reflection, we permeate these survival strategies and hand them down generations. This is (roughly speaking) the way a trauma becomes transgenerational. And because our brains tightly hold onto the belief that we need these strategies to survive, it doesn’t let them go and doesn´t let others to let them go. We want to protect our offspring – and the only protection we know are these deeply ingrained anxieties and worries and strategies to overcome them.
Poisonous care
That is why my grandmother – though very well off in her later days – still wore her ragged forty (!) years old coat, ate the cheapest and lowest quality food and saved everything for worse days. That is why my father did the same and quarrelled with my mother about every expenditure we made. That is why my parents did not have any friends. That is why they never talked to us children other than in phrases (big girls don´t cry, stop doing that, stop bothering me, be quiet) and used corporeal punishment. That is why they discouraged any close friendships outside of the family. That is why we children have to eat everything on our plates whether we were hungry or not (I still remember sitting for three hours at the table on one occasion as a ten-year-old).
It was not conscious choice based on contemplation and experience. It was not minimalist and/or ecological thinking. It was unconscious dread of the world and the belief that obedience and strict order can bring desired safety. The world is out there to get you. Be wary! Be prepared.
And yes, the world can be strange and cruel and menacing and evil, and one should not be naïve. Only that is just half of the truth. The other half is, the world is also beautiful, lovely, abundant, caring, giving and trustworthy. I have fought whole life for this other half of the truth. It refused to get extinguished no matter how hard my family tried to put the sparkle out. Deep down I knew that the fear, the worries, the mistrust, the sadness, the anger CANNOT be all there is. I felt at the bottom of my heart that pleasure, joy and freedom are not empty words or sins but something we are born to experience as humans.
The light in the depth
I have gone through shadowy valleys of depression, eating and anxiety disorders into the deepest darkness of hopelessness and despair – only to find the eternal light at the bottom of the abyss. I have been blessed by the experience of the grace of Presence, Source – the Oneness from which everything – even darkness – springs. I have not been spared struggles since then, on the contrary. But the knowledge cannot be taken away by anything now: however merciless the universe can be, it CAN be trusted in the end. I am being taken care of. I am worthy. I am loved unconditionally.
When we create new neural pathways in our brains, they typically need (almost) constant maintenance. And when we get tired, stressed, put out – old habits resurface, old autopilot kicks in and we find ourselves back in old ways of feeling, thinking and dealing with self and others. It is this time of exhaustion, when I tend to find myself spending money and buying stuff. I used to feal very guilty about it.
I don´t anymore. I have been considering this for a very long time, carefully observing my behaviour and feelings. And I have come to a very surprising conclusion: shopping represents a low energy way to care for myself, to learn about myself, to nurture myself, to hug myself – in soft materials, in inspiring perfume, in luscious oils, enchanting books – I cover myself in sunshine, I shower myself in good times, to paraphrase Pink´s (the singer) lyrics.
Shower myself in good times
When I am exhausted so much, that even lying on a bed is tiring, when I have no other means to nurture myself – no nature to go to, no time for myself, no quiet space for contemplation – my self-care routines broken by unexpected circumstances – I have unconsciously crafted another way to healing. It is only one click and one debit card payment away. It does not require me to get out of the bed. I do not have to DO anything. And instantly, I am reminded: I am safe, the universe cares for me, there is abundance at my fingertips, I am worthy, I am lovable. From derision and contempt, I have arrived to humble praise of the plump goddess Lakshmi of material abundance. Now I bow deeply to her and thank her for her gifts.
Shopping helped me to know myself better, to care for my needs when nothing else was available and in the end it supports me in finding more space for what I REALLY want and in keeping my personal boundaries better. I bought rose oil to remind me of life sweetness. I bought a long dress to remind me of life´s flow. I bought white trainer to remind me that life does not have to taken so seriously. I bought perfume to be feel enchanted again. I bought a painting to remember that creativity is human nature… In time, I will not need to deplete my energy reserves in order to remember I am precious, worth caring for and life can be marvellous.
I strongly believe we are here to struggle and suffer – but only for a cause that is worth it. And to enjoy the miracle of life whenever we can. Dare to dream and follow those dreams – more about it in my next video here:
