One of the biggest pains comes from regretting the past: the decisions, the events, the do´s and the don’ts. It can fill one with torturous hopelessness: IF only I have or have not… life would have been different! It would have been different, that is right – but would have it been BETTER for it? Not necessarily. In our dissatisfaction with the present, we turn to future possibilities for refuge and to the past with disbelief: how could we have (not) done this/that?
Regrets can be like an infested wound, never giving us rest, prompting us forever to scratch it even though the pain afterwards is much worse than it was before. We know regrets are fruitless, but we often do not know how to stop them.
Do the best
One way to free ourselves from regrets is to make sure we do our best every and each moment of our lives. That might become a torture in itself, if we let our inner critic to take the reins: according to him/her, there is ALWAYS something more we could have done! The point here is to remember we are unlimited spirit manifested in limited circumstances – our bodies, our minds, our talents, our possibilities are not infinite, we are bound. It is a sign of self-care and self-love to be able to take into account the context of our decisions and actions. To do the best that is currently possible. The best that is situational not absolute.
The present is a valuable present
It is said that the present is all there is: the past is gone, and the future does not yet exist. Focusing on the present situation helps us to accept what was as forever gone and what might yet come to pass as uncertain – it helps us divert our attention from useless lingering in the past or future towards here and now. The present allows us to plant seeds of life we really want to live, the life free of regrets. The present asks us questions: What is it that I CAN DO know? What is it I WANT to do now? Why? What for? What is the best way to proceed from here?
Inner democracy or autocracy
When we ask above mentioned questions, we soon realize answers do not come so easily as we might have expected. There is not ONE voice answering but MANY! Shouting their wants and dislikes, fighting for power and victory. There might be the voice of our inner critic reminding us of the many ways we might fail, presenting all the shoulds we ought to oblige to. There might be the wounded child eager to please others in order to feel safe and loved. Internalized patterns of behaviour wanting to do what everybody else is doing. The need to prove our worth, the fear of meaninglessness, of death.
Being in the present means acquaint ourselves with all these parts. It could be very tricky as many of them came to existence as a form of protection during our childhoods: to protect us from feeling pain and discomfort too big for our immature self to endure. They are programmed to fight our intentions of become aware of them. They are there to protect us from the present – and one of their powerful strategies is to divert our attention towards the past regrets and future hopes! In other words, to do exactly what we wish to overcome!
In order to be able to BE in the here and now, we need to cultivate a leader, a way of being that observers, that does not get entangled in this inner chaos and that can mitigate the inner tension. This inner observer can make sure there is an end to the tyranny of the shloulds (Karen Horney), that we no longer indulge ourselves in self-pity over long-gone events or in painting the future in bright colours. This observer can withstand the inner storms, witnessing compassionately the depth of our wounds and bringing the healing salve of self-acceptance.
Je ne regrette rien
We can then sing with Edith Piaf “Je ne regrette rien” and mean it. We know ourselves, we know our tendencies and impulses, our wounds and our internalized shoulds. We know the pressures that want to keep us in false safety of the past hurts or irrational hopes for the grand future. We have the resources to face whatever IS, the way it is. We are not afraid to go after our dreams: we know our heart and soul and can distinguish between what we “should” want and what we really want. We are not afraid to make mistakes and lose: we know we do the best every and each moment of our lives.
We are free of regrets.
Becoming is a process with many turns and twists where we revisit all that needs our attention and maintenance. In my current video I share my personal fears and failures to be fully present and trusting to the inner guidance we all have deep in our hearts:
