May be your heart is broken, maybe you lost somebody dear, got sick, got kicked off from work, feel worried about the state of the world. May be nothing of the mentioned applies but you still feel like you lost hope, yourself, your path through the maze that is our life on this beautiful scary planet.
The common solution to all the possible „negative“ situations is pushing through, being tough and positive. And it is useful, no doubt about it. It works… until it doesn´t. What then? What to do when your dreams have been shattered, hope has fled you and there is just no energy left to be tough, to push through, to be positive.
Always wanting to have my own homestead, trying to live a slow life, bringing my daughter up in the countryside and failing to do so for more than twenty years, I know what it feels like to despair. I identify myself with so called Highly Sensitive Person concept.
When not brought up in supporting and understanding environment, their sensitivity – their greatest gift – can turn against themselves and result in common burnt-outs; even mimic the symptoms of anxiety and depression. (See Elain Aron´s book Highly Sensitive Person or Susan Caine´s Quiet for more information.)
What is HSP and why it matters
The concept of Highly Sensitive Person is today best known thanks to Elain Aron´s book of the same name that was first published in 1999. How would my life look like, if I came across this book right there and then, in my early twenties? That is a question I ask myself a lot, knowing very well, there is no answer to it.
I have always had huge need for quiet time, deep connection, plenty of rest and propensity to spend large bulk of time daydreaming. I have always craved nature and could not stand noise and large gatherings. I longed for company but felt bewildered when people would spend time caring more for other people´s perceived mistakes than trying to understand the motivations behind.
I have been my most productive when sheltered from any internal or external pressure. I have great imagination and feel deeply. I am very intuitive and can tell how people really are just by being in their presence (my mood shifts spontaneously based on subconsciously perceived energy field of other human being). My nervous system is finely tuned to process much more stimuli than is common. That means I tire easily (it takes a lot of energy to process all that information) and need to incorporate plenty of rest in my daily routine.
This description fits perfectly with the theory of Highly Sensitive Person. We are born that way. There is nothing wrong with us. There is quite a few of us (approximately 20% of worldwide population) and not all of us are introverted (up to one quarter of HSP are extroverts). We are pause-and-check sort of people: feeling, sensing, processing deeply and profoundly before we speak or act; fine-tuned to be aware of details and context that elude others.
BUT! Because we seek genuine connection and rarely find it, we often feel lonely and misunderstand. Before Elain Aron´s ceaseless effort to spread the news about us, there was no common understanding of our make-up and we would often be mislabelled as week, whiny sissies. In a world set up to conquer the natural world, we – deeply connected to nature – often feel threatened and unsafe.
That, together with repeated efforts to fit in and be accepted, results in – also repeated – burnt outs, loss of hope, despair and anxiety. (This does not happen when a highly sensitive child is reared with compassion and understanding – then they grow up in a balanced adult who knows how to handle her gifts and manage oscillating levels of psychological and bodily energy.)
The art of giving up
Growing up, I was told, the only way forward is going on. Giving up is wrong. And depending on the context of the situation, it might be. BUT! There is a but… We do not control everything. Not even remotely. There are many things that are just out of our control. And there it does make sense to give up – and in. Up = to the forces that transcend us and in = inward, visiting so often forgotten realms of the soul.
Mark Manson in is famous book Everything is fucked describes psychological experiments that show how we eventually tend to get used to everything (sometimes to our detriment, to be sure). And that we are never 100% happy for a prolonged period of time. The conclusion he draws is – seeking absolute happiness is misleading and unattainable; there will always be something to worry about, to be dissatisfied with.
In other words: suffering is inevitable, the question is what do we choose to suffer from. Having meaningful life means finding things that are worth our suffering, be it relationships, career, travel, helping others or anything else that makes our lives worthwhile. If certain level of suffering is unavoidable, giving up as well.
The art of giving up means as the adage goes: Lord, give me strength to change what I can change and strength to suffer what I cannot change and wisdom to distinguish one from the other.
Three ingredients of soup-for-the-soul attitude
Coming to terms with things we cannot change even though we wish we could (losing someone dear, for example) is hard work. Over the years and I have discovered that there are three attitudes I get back to no matter what happens, and they ALWAYS work. By “work” I do not mean they make me feel better in any way – that is sometimes not achievable. By “work” I mean they let me bear what must be born. And that is no small feat. Three years ago, I have lost my very best friend to very abrupt and unexpected outbreak of cancer.
Being an introverted person, it so happened, she was the only other human being who knew me intimately for almost a quarter of century. I was devastated. The pain was unbearable. How does one live on, when something like this happens? There was nothing I could do to change this situation. It opened me up to the reality of “anything can happen any time and I have no control over it”. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness threatened to drown me. Like a dim light amidst all the darkness my “holy trinity” came to the rescue:
Kindness
To everyone and anyone. Particularly to myself. The word “kind” comes from “kin” – meaning I should treat myself as somebody familiar – like I was my own relative. Treat myself like somebody I care for and like. For me that meant observing myself closely and tending to my needs (physiological and psychological) whenever I could. I drank lots of tea and walked in nature a lot.
I revisited some favourite places of mine and my friend´s. I ate regularly and slept abundantly (if at all possible). I allowed time for tears. I spoke to some people who also knew her and we got some comfort in sharing our memories. The particular steps will change with context and concerning who is involved – what counts is the attitude of loving tenderness towards ourselves.
Patience
Appreciating that life is a process rather than series of disconnected events gives space to patience. The word´s roots are deep deriving from Latin and originally meaning not only submission but also endurance. Yes, you give UP but you do not give IN. You bear what you bear refusing to let go of your basic faith in the meaning of life whatever it throws at us.
Patience is the opposite of resignation. You might be broken and shattered, lost and confused, hopeless and helpless… BUT you stay open to life, your heart keeps beating, you know you are a phoenix that needs to burn in order to rise. Patience means permitting life to have its way with you. Become a skilled surfer riding its waves. Waiting. For the moon to shine and the sun to rise again when the time is right.
Forgiveness
I have been brought up to do rather than to be. Being kind and patiently waiting seems to be waste of time to a busy mind. Therefore, I fail in it very often. I am harsh and impatient, wanting “the bad” to be over sooner than my soul is ready and to get on with my life. After my friend died and tended to bury myself at work just to forget for a while. I got angry. With myself for not being able to properly say goodbye. With her for leaving me here alone.
With life/god/universe for letting something like this happen to us. The word “forgive” comes from old English and Latin meaning to allow and to give up desire/ power to punish. I forgave myself – I allowed for this anger and escapism; I did not punish myself in any way – which brought me back in a full circle to where I started – to kindness.
Let´s go together
Being a highly sensitive person in a loud and busy world is tough. Wanting things and not being able to get them in a highly achieving society is also hard. I believe that with kindness, patience and forgiveness, I might see myself blossom after all. This blog is intended to provide a place for such a bloom. To help me concentrate on what really matters and focus on what I really want.
To find a capsule of quiet, calm beauty and creativity and may be even community of like-minded souls in this raging river of life. Be welcome wanderer who might be looking for the same. Let´s meet here between these lines or on YouTube within pictures of my life. Let´s find the way together.
