There is no prescribed way to happiness. There is also no agreement as to what happiness is. We are all left to define it for ourselves. To many of us, it is tightly intertwined with dream-fulfillment. To go after one´s dreams, we need to:
- Allow ourselves to pursue them (aka feel worthy to do so).
- Know what they are.
- Have courage to overcome obstacles that will surely arise.
- To be open to correction by life´s wisdom – may be the best thing that can happen to us is that our dreams do NOT come true (Dalai Lama is believed to have said this).
- Be imaginative and creative in finding ways to proceed.
There are endless other points to consider, I am sure, but let´s keep it simple. Or simpler at least. 😉 The first two are typically the toughest to overcome and they tend to overshadow the process of pursuing our dreams from start to finish. It is very rare for crucial life topics to be solved once and for all.
It resembles a spiral, where we revisit the same place over and over again, yet each time we have more experience and knowledge – in case we don´t, the spiral collapses into a vicious circle of being stuck. That is also part of our journey even though we would very much prefer it not to. Healing of our self-worth issues might be both the prerequisite and the end-result of our journey towards our dreams.
DARE TO TRUST
All points except the last one are also deeply routed in trust. Trust in inner guidance, in others, in the universe (or God). Trust that we can reach for the stars, that whatever happens to us is ok (even though it is not), trust that we are allowed to dream and that the dreaming is more important than the end-result. Such a trust is hard to find if one has been deeply hurt by life – and many of us were.
Erik Eriksson wrote extensively about the stages of human development. “Trust or mistrust” is the first one, the foundation on which all else is build. The infant either has at least one emphatic, emotionally available and stable caretaker, or she does not. In the first case, trust is developed.
In the second case the world is perceived as a hostile, dangerous (because unpredictable) place to be, where one needs to be always on his guard. In this hostile world, she is not cared for, she is not worthy, he is alone, left to his own devices. It is an attitude of deep mistrust that embeds itself in our bodies and brains as a fundamental truth about the universe.
(Please note: no parent is intentionally a bad caretaker. It sometimes so happens that the personality of a perfectly willing parent and child are such a bad fit, that the child is unable to receive what the caretaker wants to offer. It is nobody´s fault. And even in cases of brutal and intentional mistreatment, though I am far from siding with the aggressors, I must mention the fact, that no happy and mature person would do such a thing.)
As was the case with self-worth, it is with trust as well: healing our trust issues is both the prerequisite and the end-result of our journey towards our dreams. When our dreams come true, however minor they might look from the outside, we feel like we matter, we are cared for, the universe speaks to us, looks after us. That is a potent life-affirming experience.
Life is a cycle, not a line
All points except the last one are also deeply routed in trust. Trust in inner guidance, in others, in the universe (or God). Trust that we can reach for the stars, that whatever happens to us is ok (even though it is not), trust that we are allowed to dream and that the dreaming is more important than the end-result. Such a trust is hard to find if one has been deeply hurt by life – and many of us were.
Erik Eriksson wrote extensively about the stages of human development. “Trust or mistrust” is the first one, the foundation on which all else is build. The infant either has at least one emphatic, emotionally available and stable caretaker, or she does not. In the first case, trust is developed.
In the second case the world is perceived as a hostile, dangerous (because unpredictable) place to be, where one needs to be always on his guard. In this hostile world, she is not cared for, she is not worthy, he is alone, left to his own devices. It is an attitude of deep mistrust that embeds itself in our bodies and brains as a fundamental truth about the universe.
(Please note: no parent is intentionally a bad caretaker. It sometimes so happens that the personality of a perfectly willing parent and child are such a bad fit, that the child is unable to receive what the caretaker wants to offer. It is nobody´s fault. And even in cases of brutal and intentional mistreatment, though I am far from siding with the aggressors, I must mention the fact, that no happy and mature person would do such a thing.)
As was the case with self-worth, it is with trust as well: healing our trust issues is both the prerequisite and the end-result of our journey towards our dreams. When our dreams come true, however minor they might look from the outside, we feel like we matter, we are cared for, the universe speaks to us, looks after us. That is a potent life-affirming experience.
You are not what you do (or don´t do)
Allowing ourselves creativity (needed in order to fulfil our dreams) is a process in itself. Sometimes, it´s very hard. Growing up in a world that seems to appreciate only things one can see and touch or count their monetary value, pursuing dreams that are not straight forward or clear, feels prohibited. You can write – but only when you are a published author or on the side of a 9-5 job. You can paint or sculpt or dance or sing – but only when it pays the bills. And it often cannot and does not. And after we come home from our job, we are often too exhausted to do anything else than mindless pastimes. And so we are stuck.
Pay attention.
Listen to what I say.
Do your homework.
Study.
Work.
Pay the bills.
Be good.
Work before play.
(And there is always enough work to obscure all play.)
Fulfil your duty.
Obey.
That is too often the only poetry we knew growing up. It´s one sidedness seeps through our lives and makes them dull. But it does not have to stay that way. A friend once asked me: Do you consider Van Gogh a painter when he sold only one painting in his lifetime? Yes! Yes! Yes! Of course he was a painter.
See? You are a painter when you paint. You a writer when you write. You are a singer when you sing. It´s not about the recognition received from others, it´s about being who one is. The recognition is craved often because it was missing when growing up (see my previous article). That is ok. Our wounds should be seen and tended to. But they should not overshadow the deeper cravings of our soul – to express ourselves. To create ourselves. To learn about ourselves. To be in the process of becoming ourselves.
And may be your dreams do not involve any creative endeavours as such, may be you want to become an accountant or an IT specialist or a teacher or travel the world, or be rich, or buy a new house… whatever your dream looks like, it will demand a creative attitude from you. When we set sail to unknown territories, we cannot know what awaits us there and therefore have to brace ourselves for the unexpected. When one cannot use old solutions to new problems, one has to become creative…and knowing that creativity comes in cycles might help not to despair when our energy, faith and stamina dwindles.
Are you a winter flower?
In becoming ourselves, we go through cycles too. And here I have discovered a trick: you might not be a spring flower! There are plants that blossom in summer, or autumn or even winter (e.g. snowdrops or viburnums). We might want to pay close attention to how our energy levels ebb and flow in order not to force ourselves to bloom outside of our “time zone” so to speak. For women, it gets even trickier, since their energy changes not only within a year but also during their monthly cycles. And creativity is closely related with the amount of energy available to us at any given moment. After all, we are not typically our most creative selves when we are exhausted.
For HSP (Highly sensitive Person) this is even more important than for non-HSP, as their strength waxes and wanes depending on many internal and external factors (the quality of sleep, rest, food, regularity of gentle exercise, time spent in nature and solitude etc.). Sensitivity often means also deeply experiencing one´s emotions – and they too come in waves… Learning to respect that many facets of our inner and outer life are beyond our control, that they follow their own rules which need to be considered – is a cyclical process in itself.
Ruby May, an author and explorer of all things feminine, discusses at length the consequences of treating our bodies and souls as “resources” (note that in corporate culture, all that concerns people (as opposed to processes) is handled by HR departments – Human Resources … this notion that we and the world is one big resource to be exploited is so deeply ingrained in us that we do not even notice how strange a name “Human Resources” is for a department which is supposed to care for the well-being of the employees) and the consequences are dire: burn-out, mental health issues, exhaustion, lack of meaning in life, decline of physical health, declined dignity and self-worth.
She is quite adamant that we should turn things around: make Being the ground out of which Doing springs. Wait quietly and patiently for a nudge to be active in the world. To rest first and to Do only when our strength has been fully replenished. It saddens me to notice how revolutionary this sounds. May be you sense it to: the flames of anger slowly simmering under the surface – because how can this be achieved in a world where one has a 9-5 job to maintain and family to care for? Well, to tell the truth… it cannot be done. We have created a civilization based on the urge to do, achieve, reach for, strain and grow. We are a Yang culture. Yin is treated as a resource.
Inner peace
But! Even small steps matter. Realization comes first. Contemplation second. Once we get used to the idea that things actually could be different, that Yin and Yang COULD dance together in a dynamic harmony, this idea takes root and spreads throughout our lives. It is the time “stolen” for ourselves to journal, to meditate, to do gentle yoga, to walk barefoot in the grass, to watch sunset, to play with our kids, to be silent, to listen to a bird-song, to take three conscious breaths…
Slowly and gently we thus cultivate the inner peace that allows us to hear the soft whispers of our heart. Slowly we learn to respond to opportunities that life presents to us – and live the life that wants to be lived through us (rather than trying to invent a life that our mind thinks we should live). THIS is one of the most important facets of becoming ourselves.
This inner peace, this connection to the soul (or higher self, or heart…) is also the source of dreams that are meant to come true, because they are part of US, they (the dreams) make who we are. Fulfilling these dreams is inherent part of our life journey, only we are often so busy fulfilling the dream we think we want, we miss the path that has always been meant for us. Then again, even losing ourselves is part of the process of finding ourselves. Let´s be kind, to ourselves and to others, we are all travellers far from home.
Please note: You might be a very Yang type of person (it is VERY unlikely you are reading these lines, since you wouldn´t be typically drawn to my web) – it is ok! We need you! We love your active and outgoing and straightforward and dynamic and go-getting nature! Keep going, keep doing – just please, listen to us Yin-one´s as well. Our gifts are also valuable though they are so different from yours.
I have been able to go to my tiny house this month. It is a place of my dreams and may be, when you see it, you will not be surprised. I have made a video about it, you can see it here:
